Mourning the Loss of a Relationship

“It’s normal to feel down every once in a while. Without the hard times, how would we know when we’re in the good times?” – Inside Out

This year has taught me a lot so far, and I have mourned losses I didn’t know I’d have. I have been quiet for a while processing more of the grief in my heart, and I’m grateful to be at a much better place after a few months of feeling hurt, and my heart is full again, filled up by the mercy and wisdom of God, love, and affirmations from my husband and friends, and the sweet cuddles of my children who laugh at the silliest of things; How they inspire me to laugh without fear of the future.

My new Instagram profile pic, courtesy of Kate Yu Photography @kilakateyu

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that – things don’t happen TO me but FOR me, and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

When I was feeling my lowest this year I started looking into counseling, and I learned that I have quite a few girlfriends who have been going to counseling for years (they are some of the sweetest, kindest, smartest, and most faithful people I know, and I would have never guessed they go to counseling regularly. I’m learning now just how important it is for everyone to go to some kind of counseling for good mental health). They recommended some amazing counselors and I have been praying for a decision to go…In the mean time, I feel incredibly blessed with my husband and good friends who have been there for me whenever life gets bumpy.

Here are some tools I have learned as I hesitate to spend a lot of money on counseling at the moment =P

1. Loss is Prevalent, and you’re not alone

Take time to grieve the loss of a relationship – there were happy memories made, loving words said, future plans made or would have been made, so it hurts to feel the emptiness of a loss. So many people choose to not think about it, or just be angry instead of sitting with the pain and mourning the loss. It is much easier to be angry than to feel sad and miserable, I get it, anger is my strongest negative emotion as an enneagram type 1. But it’s ok to cry and sit with the hurt. It takes time to mourn and move on, but sweeping those emotions under the rug won’t help. I remember I felt so depressed after my first break up in college that I got shingles (ouch!) as a 20-year-old (isn’t shingles something old people get?). Even though I was the one who broke his heart, I felt so broken as well. Knowing very well how my emotional pain shows up physically, I don’t want that to happen again, so I’m learning to manage my stress better by giving it to God every day and using the tools I have accumulated as I age to help me better live better.

2. Forgive the anger –

The other person or I (or both) were angry because our expectations weren’t met and we felt wronged. If we can’t apologize to one another, or come to a resolution after apologies are made, then the relationship sadly dissolves. I tend to blame myself when a relationship fails (oh the need for everyone to like me, how silly!), but I’m learning at the age of 35 that I’m NOT for everyone, and real confidence is knowing NOT everyone is going to like you, but you stay true to yourself anyway.

In these cases, we have opened ourselves up in a vulnerable way and have felt hurt and rejected (remember what Brene Brown has said? Vulnerability is having the courage to show up when you cannot control the outcome) by the other person. As we sit with the feelings of anger and sadness, we need to learn to forgive the other person for what made us angry and forgive ourselves for not noticing there was a problem, or the inability to fix the problem. Just because we have good intentions doesn’t mean we don’t say the wrong things sometimes. I for one say plenty of stupid things, and thankfully everyone in my inner circle (hubby, my parents, and my closest girlfriends) love and accept me for exactly who I am, phewwww.

Owning our loss, forgiving the anger we have, and forgiving the other person is the first step to healing.

3. Focus on gratitude

So cliche but SO POWERFUL! The next step is to find things to be grateful for every single single day – to wake up with a grateful heart and go to bed with one too, knowing all too well that we don’t live in a perfect and sinless world. Embrace all the good anyway, because life is too short not to, and finding positivity in life helps us tremendously in the healing process.

Now here is the slightly more challenging part – Find it in your heart to be happy and grateful for the person who is no longer in your life. Social media makes it so easy to stay connected, even when you don’t want to. So instead of being bitter (which we tend to be for a while after a loss), wish the other person well, truly wish the other person well, be grateful that person is doing well, and for the good memories that were made.

I have learned the importance of this step for my heart, and learned to watch what I say – NOTHING unkind about the other person (ok except to God and the husband when crying out in anger). If I say ugly things about the other person, I come off ugly and resentful. If I find it in my heart to forgive and be genuinely grateful, I will find the peace I long for, and find more love than I thought was possible in my heart.

4. Learn from the break-up

Reflecting on what happened helps us learn from our negative experiences, and prepare ourselves for better future relationships. Going back to my first breakup with my first ex-boyfriend in college, I was heartbroken and angry, but when those emotions calmed down, I reflected on the relationship for exactly what it was and learned lots of lessons from it. Because of the failed relationships I had, I have immense love and appreciation for my husband and strong friendships with my close girlfriends. Some people get jaded after failed relationships, but I might forever be that idealistic girl who believes marriage is forever (true for me no matter what), friendships can be forever (fortunately most of my besties have remained my besties, and I have learned to pray for my friendships and nurture them in a way I wouldn’t have known how to before failed relationships), and God’s love is unconditional and never changing.

5. Don’t take anything personally (the 2nd agreement from The Four Agreements). This is a journey called life and we are all going to mess up. Everyone messes up, so give yourself and the other person grace, and apologize when you have done something wrong.

6. If all fails, do what I did and binge watch The Real Housewives of Dallas when the kids are not home =P There is so much wisdom on relationships through the series, many were from moments of “oh I was like that”, “Yikes that was unnecessary or uncalled for or annoying” or “I totally over analyzed the way she did, darn it, just give the other person the benefit of the doubt and don’t take it personally! It had nothing to do with you girl!”

I hope this post helps you process your grief of lost relationships and move on in a healthy way. Just want to remind you that you are completely accepted, unconditionally loved, and totally forgiven by God.

“The mountains and hills may crumble, but my love for you will never end.” – Isaiah 54:10

Supermom CBD

About Me – a Natural and Holistic Mama

Before I dive into my thoughts on CBD, allow me to give you a bit of background information about me. I rarely drink. have never smoked anything, and I don’t even know where to get drugs (nor will I allow that into my system). Our medicine cabinet is filled with supplements like multivitamins and probiotics, as well as Young Living essential oils. As you can see, I try to be a natural and holistic mama, especially in a world where there is increased and unexplained illnesses and infertilities. I’m a better-safe-than-sorry kind of gal, and I was even determined to birth my children without epidural (though not all successful).

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Disney’s Holiday and 50th Anniversary Treats

Itโ€™s almost Christmas Adam! Get it? Since Adam came before Eve ๐Ÿ˜‡

I wanted to share some of our favorite holiday and 50th anniversary treats we got the past few days! ๐Ÿญ It was hard not to want to eat everything at Disney because they were all so beautifully made and delicious! Good thing I walked about 25,000 steps a day in the parks, soโ€ฆbring on the treats ๐Ÿ˜‹๐ŸŽ„๐Ÿญ

Holiday and 50th Anniversary treats pictured in this post –

1. Red velvet wreath cupcake (Gasparilla Island Grill inside Grand Floridian)
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Mulan is finally coming out!

Truth be told, Iโ€™m excited but also NERVOUS about the live-action remake of Mulan coming out on Disney Plus today!

Mulan to me was a real Chinese heroine, whose life I had known since I was a toddler. The Ballad of Mulan was the longest Chinese poem I ever memorized since I was 5, taught stanza by stanza by my patient father who cared about me knowing my culture. Mulan represents the kind of family loyalty and self-discipline that are true to Chinese culture.

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Personality Tests

Love Language

What is your love language? Would it be words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time or acts of service?

Myers Briggs Personality Test

I loved getting to know myself more through this test. I’ve taken it 3 times, once in freshmen year of college, once in senior year, and once as a newlywed. They have pretty detailed analysis for you, and you can read on your personality type a lot through different free online resources.

Enneagram

This one I linked is free, but you can take a much more detailed and probably more accurate paid one elsewhere. I took both the free and paid, the free told me I’m a 3, the paid one told me I’m mostly 1, but closely followed by 3, and a bunch of other details.

The Four Tendencies Quiz

How do I respond to expectations?

Which house in Hogwarts are you in?

I finally took this one! I always wanted to be in Gryffindor and assumed I’m a Hufflepuff. But my test result from this test clearly shows I’d be sorted to Ravenclaw! It says – “Your personality shows a high degree of work ethic and humility, which are valued among members of Ravenclaw House.” Pretty accurate! description, guess I’m not as sweet and dedicated of a Hufflepuff as I thought I was haha.

Which Disney princess are you?

Tips for Traveling to Hong Kong Disneyland with Kids

Two weeks after visiting the great grandparents in Shanghai and finally experiencing the magic at Shanghai Disneyland, we packed up our suitcases and 3 little ones, and flew to Hong Kong to visit my in-laws and more Disney magic at Hong Kong Disneyland!

This was my first time in Hong Kong, and boy was I surprised at just how densely populated but also really beautiful this island is! A little bit of history about Hong Kong – it is part of China but is governed separately, and it has its own economic system. Hong Kong was colonized by the British Empire for 100 years before it was returned to China in 1997. Because of that, a lot of people in Hong Kong speak English and Mandarin, while Cantonese is spoken by everyone.

TIPS for traveling with kids to Hong Kong Disneyland –

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Tips for traveling to Shanghai Disneyland with Kids

There are 6 Disney parks around the world if you didn’t know already – 2 are in the US, 3 are in Asia and 1 is in Europe –

  1. Walt Disney World (Orlando, Florida)
  2. Disneyland (Anaheim, California)
  3. Shanghai Disneyland (Shanghai, China)
  4. Hong Kong Disneyland (Hong Kong, China)
  5. Paris Disneyland (Paris, France)
  6. Tokyo Disneyland (Tokyo, Japan)
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